I remember when I was around 4-5, I was putting things into my underwear and rubbing against it to make me feel good. I would have bouts of depression and anxiety now suffer with more anxiety also with depression. In high school years my friends were never friendly and I didnt know why. Ive been asked by a close family friend of my deceased mother if I had been sexually abused a child. I went to my doctor to get looked at and she said my hymen was barely on. And we do know how you feel about wanting clarity. We would point out, on the other hand, there is nothing bad about having a high sex drive as a female, or finding porn fascinating. After I finished, he sat me on his lap and held me like a little girl. I have never been in trouble. I now suffer greatly from PTSD, anxiety, disassociation, flashbacks, and being a grumpy asshole to my family. Hi Diane, thanks for this brave sharing. This has destroyed my entire adult life in ways I did not even recognize and made my childhood a void which I now wish sometimes I did not know as much about. Im very sexual and really enjoy sex if it is taboo either the acts or the people. These are things that need to be dealt with, and if you cant stop the worry yourself, its a good idea to reach out for support. I am a 45 year male, dealing with vivid flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my slightly older brother. Children are very curious about their bodies. How long did you stick it out for? Wed suggest finding a counsellor you think you might be able to grow to trust, and who has experience in dealing with clients who have suffered abuse. Im searching for tests I can take, or maybe even people to talk to so I can confirm or deny my suspicions. We cont know what country you are in. I do have symptoms when having sex Ill do it not wanting to, or let someone do things and Im thinking to say NO but it never comes out if theyve already started to touch me. Youll see we always say the same thing we dont have time machines. Wed put a quick mention of schema therapy in here- it focuses heavily on creating trust and safety in the therapist/client relationship. As for the child sexual play, we wrote an article on that last week, take a look. Assuming you are now over 18, you CAN go see a therapist. In summary, we would highly recommend talking to a counsellor or therapist about this when you are ready, particularly if you have any symptoms of trauma as detailed in the article. I dont know how to say no to sex, or sexually pleasing other men. Which is really tragic as its bad enough to have a childhood decimated by abuse, but then it also can decimate our adult lives. The child have been saying he doesnt know his father and that nothing happened to him. Why have the flashbacks started now. And obsessing on figuring out exactly what happened can be even more upsetting. Our relationship was a very odd one. We cant tell you an answer, as obviously its complex, as you are, and we dont know you. Some of us just dont like being touched, either at all or in certain areas. While we cant change the past, we can change our present and future by reaching out for support. Self-harm is serious. Not sure if he even knows he has a FB page. Whenever we are messing around and he touches my boobs or butt I get very angry and I dont know why. So imagine if someone else from that group of people confessed to you, or, say, a child came to you crying and confessed they had had this experience, would you treat them as dirty or wrong or bad? Its confusing stuff, childhood sexuality and what happens between kids. I am not trying to make excuses for my crime, I just am wondering if the depression could be a contributing factor. Do these behaviours fit easily into your life with no negative consequences, or do they sometimes deter you or sabotage things for you (addictive behaviours). Have I just convinced myself that something happened? This doesnt have to mean they only offer sexual abuse recovery. Where is her truth? Years later I realised that it was a panic attack. Children do often engage in body play, but its quite an age difference, 9 and 14, so we imagine it felt quite scary. Im 16, I vividly remember masturbation, fingering my anal cavity, taking my clothes off at night, passionately kissing my pillow, a fascination with rape, and sexual fantasies with both myself and barbies from around the age of 3. So the only reason why I think I was sexually abused when I was a kid is because I knew what a guys junk looks like before I watched porn for the first time. I made a good friend in my new town and I told her everything. You can also go to their site to have a online chat. Hi there Daniella, we have a full article that addresses just this here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/child-sexual-play-abuse.htm. The next day I remeber my mom asking did you dad touch you and then I heard my mom asking over and over, I kept saying no but finally I said he didnt really touch me he just had his hands in my pants and I tried moving away. Can you help at all do you think? Thank you for replying, but I know what I have to do to protect my families name. I once asked my mother if I was sexually abused she said no. I suppose my questions are related to whether its ok to say, Im pretty sure I was abused, when I really have no clear memory? Ive dealt with lots of physical and emotional abuse as a child. Was it the right kind of therapy for you? They babysat me a few times. It might help you feel less lonely to know that others know what you are going through, and others have gotten through it to a better place. Abusers wont hear that and will carry on not giving a care in the world what it has done to the person they have just abused. If he asked, even sometimes when he wouldnt ask and would just start touching me, Id let him because I figured thats just what I was supposed to do. Note there are other modalities some people recommend for trauma that are not about talking somatic therapy hypnotherapy, neurofeedback, BWRT. Im not sure what to do I feel as if every I might just take my anger out on the people I love and end up pushing them awayTheres a lot more to this of course but this is what I can type down. Although I have identified myself as heterosexual all my life I have had homosexual fantasies since a teen ager. Id really appreciate any kind of help. Any kind of special technique is not reliable or even dangerous as it can cause false memories and a whole set of other symptoms. The only thing you can do is work on the symptoms and on finding peace through things like counselling, like you are doing. Im in a relationship with a girl and I really do love her so much. You are suffering. And you are a bad person for having any sexual thoughts or feelings (you arent). He always showed me a lot of attention, but was so so very careful. You can find an article on how to talk to your parents about mental health here http://bit.ly/talktoparents.Also know you can call helplines and talk to really nice people, there are many just for teens, here is the list of helplines in the UK (if you are not in the UK google for one in your country) http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Its not about what did or didnt happen so much as its about the fact that you feel unheard and unhappy. If you dont want to go through your school, you can also tell your GP you need mental health support, although the waiting lists can be long with the NHS. Did the other party overstep a boundary? So I got threats that were said are not threats but promises that my life will be miserable after my dad dies. The sad thing is, unless we all had a time machine, we can never quite know. I am not listing these categories to be disgusting but simply to list a few things that I think are symptoms. Ever since then, Ive been more on edge about relationships and fooling around with guys, (ex. But I can usually get over that sadness until the next wave hits me. Best, HT. You have to reach out for support. Ive recently started questioning a lot of things. Then years after couldnt help always needing to have orgasms or do something. Do you get uncomfortable around certain family members or friends, but youre not sure why? Hi there JR. First, blaming someone for something when we are in a vulnerable place can backfire and leave us more vulnerable. The body is like a machine, and if its first sexual experience is abuse, it can connect that to sexual arousal, in a mechanical way, like bad wiring. My parents arent even alive anymore yet I feel if I try to talk Ill be punished. sexual abuse, physical neglect, and emotional neglect. We dont talk about any of the hard times we have. Yet, sometimes the abuse is so subtle that you don't realize you're being abused. But I didnt feel like I was entitled to those feelings and I guess thats why Im writing this. I know I was constantly smacked and told off, but there is one thing I remember, and I dont know of that was/is the only thing or if I imagined it. I can remember leaving the house and returning to the house but nothing in between. Im just worried they or someone else might have molested me as a child and that scares me more than anything. Its a process, like any relationship. Hi Angel, its actually entirely normal for children to masturbate from much younger than 9. I have been stuck in a deep depression for about a month or so and looking into myself for answers All the little bits and pieces that i have shared with you here started surfacing. The definition of child abuse these days doesnt even need to involve touch, non contact abuse includes things like talking to children about sex or showing them images. When my friends always say stuff like I always felt uncomfortable around him etc etc. I used to get nightmares about being chased and losing my voice when I yell for help. Ive been in therapy and it helped about 15 years ago I had a bad time couldnt stop thinking about certain memories felt experiences in my body which caused me a lot of distress but I have no visual memory just things like being on a water bed some one on top of me or behind me touching me. Our mother was committed to institutions with our fathers blessing many times when we were young. Thanks for sharing all this. I felt exposed and he just kept on going when all was done, he said I should not tell anyone and he left. [Edited for brevity] I have very little memory of my childhood, right up into my teens. Whenever my parents talked about him being such a nice guy or anything I truly hated it. But then not a long time ago I got mad at my dad for some reason. When she walks around the house on her panties, I feel this uncontrollable anger and disgust, and for as long as i can remember, this feeling comes when she sees me naked as well (like, when she walked into my room acciddentally when I was changing as a teenager). (Probably about 5yrs). Because I was scared. She said that even though when he asked me if I wanted to do stuff with him I said no, because I didnt tell him to stop while it was happening, it wasnt sexual abuse. While the definition of sexual assault can vary, within this quiz, we are talking about unwanted intercourse also known as rape. Anxiety, suicidal thoughts. Stay updated on the latest blogs, quizzes, and podcast episodes. Its your life. The couselor I spoke to about this said it would have just been out of curiosity but this doesnt explain my behaviours over the years especially towards men.
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